Well so much for writing more often! Good to have a goal right?! It's good for the soul. The best thing about writing a blog is that you can go back and read what you wrote and see how things may have changed, or how they stayed the same. Yes in the olden days we had our diaries, but in this new aged digital world. just maybe my words can have an impact on someone else as well. I suppose I would always wish it to be a positive impact but after seeing too many negative posts on many different forum sites over the years I know that won't always be the case. People need to just suck it up and realize that they just need to watch their own bobber and live. What I have been wondering for some time is what has happened to people that they seem to be getting more negative in life? Have they always been this way and we just have more access to now? Is the media creating more hype around things to keep that "shock" factor in everything? I think of myself as a half -full person and I think I have been that way most of my life. Of course would have to ask my parents and childhood friends to see if that is truly the case but I feel I have been. Of course I am no different than anyone else in that I get mad at stupid things and lose my temper at things that really have no merit to getting that upset on, but as a whole I really truly believe that life IS indeed what you make it so suck it up and be happy!
My oldest will be turning 20 this next year. Twenty! When did that happen? Just last week I swear she was 5! As she is now embarking on her second year in college I sit many nights wondering how I did as a parent...so far. She has taken a big leap and chose a school over 1,000 miles away so is that to get away from us or to just spread her wings? Of course the mom in me believes it is to chase her dreams. I am so glad she did. Regret in trying new things is a thing that I don't want my children to suffer from very often. I am not naive to think they won't have those types of regrets, but I want them to be few and far between. Recently she has called often about her classes this semester as she took on a hard and heavy load. She ended up really struggling in one and dropping the class and still has one that she isn't doing as well as she would like. One main reason, she really dislikes this professor. So here is a great life teaching mom moment. My advice to her?...suck it up!
There will ALWAYS and FOREVER throughout your life be people that you do not like. I don't like saying it in that way but it really is the best way to state it. But should you let that person ruin your life for you? Absolutely not! Will she get a great grade in this class? Probably not. Is she going to be pissed about that? Absolutely as that is her personality but she has to learn to suck it up. Take the good with the bad and let it roll off and move on. I know this is something I have been trying to teach them more so the last few years in life. When they are little I think we almost get too caught up in teaching the basics in life like walking, talking, kindness and empathy (hopefully), that I think we may miss some of the really important life lessons like self esteem and yes, sucking it up. But then we are set with the task of can you truly teach these things?
I remember growing up we had a program called "Project Charlie" in grade school. I don't remember all about it but I remember thinking it was a program to help you learn self-esteem and other traits. So I looked it up and it turns out it wasn't that at all but an early version of a drug and alcohol prevention program that no longer exists. I found this definition on the web, (so of course it must be true right?) Project CHARLIE (Chemical Abuse Resolution Lies in Education) is an attempt to influence children's attitudes and behavior concerning substance abuse by teaching them social skills and enabling them to resist peer pressure as well as informing them about drugs. Project CHARLIE incorporates the principal elements of a successful drug education program into its curriculum; however, its emphasis on self-esteem and self-awareness may be misplaced. Comparisons between primary school pupils exposed to Project CHARLIE for one year and peers who have not reveal that Project CHARLIE children: (1) have greater knowledge of the effects of medicinal, social and illicit drugs; (2) are more secure in their ability to resist peer pressure to commit antisocial acts; (3) produce both more and higher quality solutions to social dilemmas and fewer solutions of poor quality; (4) do not have substantially higher self-esteem. (https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=161429).
So why did I remember it as a self-esteem program? The only thing I can think of is maybe my instructor(s) main focus was love yourself enough to say no and not get involved in all that peer pressure crap. Which is a good thing to learn, then and now. Kids now do have it harder than we did in that if someone didn't like you and sent you a "bad note," all you had to do was rip it up and it wold be forgotten. Now it can stay and haunt you for days and even years. Even if you delete it, someone else may still have it and use it against you later. And there is always someone watching and taping you now as well. So how can you teach them that if your "friends" want you to join in something that is "bad" and you don't want to that you need to suck it up and realize they are not truly your friends and move on to find some new ones.
I think that even though I am a half-full person, I know most of that comes from being able to be happy with me and let things go. Now I am sure I was not always this way growing up and a lot of these things I have learned along the way but that is why communication is so important with your kids and everyone in your life. So figure out a way, as a parent, a family member or a friend to suck it up and have those sometimes hard conversations. Knowing that some times they may get mad at what you say but if they truly care for you and honestly absorb what you say, if it is something that is truly to help them in some way, they will always end up appreciating what you did to try and help them learn and grow as a person.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Parenting Friendships
As I sat and read a blog that popped up on Facebook, (my children joke about that being the "old persons" SnapChat), I reminded myself how I was going to "write more often as it is a relaxing and liberating thing for me to do, whether or not anyone reads it." So here I am...again...TWO YEARS LATER! WOW! I am almost surprised that this account still exists and the old ones are still visible since it has been in-active for so long. Hold onto your seats as away we go.
Obviously a lot has changed since my last post, the biggest change is my oldest started and has now finished her first year of college...1,800 miles away from home...in Florida! So, here is where those of us who are pilot-wives can say we are truly blessed to have a little different opportunity than some for our children to go that far away and not have it "seem" as far. Or so I thought. Having younger children to still parent, admittedly I didn't get to visit as much as I thought I would and or wanted to. There has been some guilt in I remember saying to her, as we are looking at schools, "we have the ability to travel like many others don't, take advantage of it and see where it takes you," "I don't want you to look back and say I wish I would have at least tried!" As parents we all can name several times in our past with a few I-wish-I-would-have moments as we grew up, and especially even now as parents. I like to call those the "yep, screwed-up-again" parenting moments.
As the first year passed and I talk to her, other people who she has also talked to, I found that she wasn't always telling me the truth about how she was feeling and what was going on as she didn't want to disappoint me, make me upset and all those things that you DON'T want you child to feel. Ugh! Punch in the gut "yep, screwed-up-again" parenting moment! So how do we know when we are doing that? I like to think of myself as an intuitive person in a lot of ways but apparently missed the mark on this one. I know I have been one of those people who say "yeah, they are living vicariously through their child," usually with sports where you see that kid that you don't think really wants to play and that parent in the background screaming them on. So was I doing this to my beloved first born? Was I thinking how awesome of an opportunity she had to do something amazing and pushed her into it? Time for a reality chat with the girlfriends.
Girlfriends...I love girlfriends! As we grow and blossom into parenthood, we will find there are different classifications of our friends now, just like back in school days. There was your school friends, your sport/activity friends, your neighborhood friends. Sometimes these friends crossed over categories but all in all they were still friends. The same happens in adulthood but it seems it ends up being a more narrow field, at least in my case. You have your work friends, and your kids' friends parents and neighbor friends. You will have those friends from childhood that you still talk to and connect with when you can, but if your life has taken you away from them at all geographically, you do drift apart. Especially when you hit that age of life I like to define as the "running my kids everywhere" stage.
Back to girlfriends. We have moved, yes mostly by choice around my husbands career, and so my friend base is literally in many states. Of course I cannot see those out-of-state friends as often as I would like to, even with my flight privileges that silly thing called parenting and time seem to get in the way. With our last and current move, we have been here going on ten years now, my current friend base seems to have circled more around my middle child.
My oldest is socially quieter and more reserved so she wasn't one who wanted to do a lot of sports or activities outside of school. Not to mention my time overall was different as her brothers, being younger, needed more hands-on attention so I sadly didn't meet a lot of her "school friends" parents outside of the quick hi/bye at birthday parties or sleep over drop offs. She was also more reserved in who she chose as friends. She was/is selective and had a smaller core of friends as she doesn't like drama, catty-ness and all those things girls can be famous for so once Middle School and High School came, her outside of school friend base got smaller. In many ways that did make me sad for her, mainly because I was so different and in sports year-round that I had a lot of friends. But looking back now and thinking about how we classify things in life, a lot of them in the early teen years were probably more acquaintances you hang with a lot more than true friends. So she is a lot more ahead of the game and more mature than I was at her age.
My middle one is a typical middle child in that he always wants people to be happy so being a friend came easy to him. Not to mention he is was and is in many sports so he is always around buddies. Though there were many times I remember saying things like "don't let them do that" and "you don't always have to give in" and phrases like that. I also have found myself telling him, after living through it with his older sister that as you age and go from Middle School to High School, your friends will greatly change. People will start to have different likes and passions that once tied you as friends. Now that doesn't mean you aren't still friends, but you won't be as close as you once were. The hardest thin he as found is when friends act differently depending on who they are around and which "group" they are hanging with at the time. These things are hard to teach about and help them through so I find myself saying things like "well if you don't like it, make sure you are not one of those kids that does it," and "keep being who you are and your friends will remain." I also say you may be changing and acting differently than you realize as well so try to be subconsciously aware of how you are treating people. I know, easier said than done in the teen years, hell even in adulthood!
Then there's my crazy youngest. He seems to be a combination of both my older kids. He is in a lot of sports and school activities so is around a ton a kids, but he does seem to keep circling around a smaller group for most of the time. He is fun-loving, sweet and easy to be around. He can be that goofy joke-ster but then the serious intellect. He is so observant and pays attention to all the things his siblings do, and always has. He would sit and want to watch my oldest do homework and sometimes pretend to do it with her (there is a 6 year difference between them) and sometimes did. His brain is far beyond mine in what he can take in, learn and remember. I truly hope as he goes on through adolescences and into High School, he keeps all that makes him who he is.
So now to my friends. Being the wife of a pilot makes life a little interesting. Having moved like we did and having younger children, I never really had that career that you think you will get as you dream of growing up. Each time we moved I had to try and find a job that either paid enough to make it worth having kids in day care or a job that I loved so much it didn't matter (which moving and switching jobs like I did made it harder). But I found with our first move, I already had the job I wanted...mom. This came as a bit of a shock to me once I hit that realization as I was always going to either be a vet, or have that "corner office with the view" in a high powered ad agency. So once we figured out we could make it work with me staying home and being mom, then I could look for jobs that would work around his schedule and just give me some grown-up time, (Those that are are also stay-at-home parents understand that all too well).
The weird thing is this is when my girlfriends started to take shape. My kids were too young (5 and 1 at the time) to be in too many things yet so I mainly talked and hung around my awesome neighbor (who we already knew as she was also a pilot-wife) and helped me constantly as they didn't have children at the time, or the ladies I worked with. But mainly I spent most of my time with my kids. We would drop my oldest off at Kindergarten and then my middle (youngest at the time) and I would either to right to the park and play, go for long walks or if weather was bad go to the mall and walk around. Which is also probably how I lost all that baby weight that seems to still haunt me now...lol. If the hubby was home, we would have things to do around the house or he would join us. To this day even though I don't get to see my neighbor, as we are thousands of miles away, we know that we are always thinking of each other and know if needed, we would be there in a second for each other. There has been a small handful of people where I would think of weird things like, if something happened and this friend couldn't have kids, would I be a surrogate? (yes my brain sometimes is odd that way), and she was one of those friends. When it came to them finding out they couldn't have children, I would have had they asked, even though I tended to grow big babies!
Our next move was in a lot of ways the same, except this time I was pregnant...surprise! The funniest thing about life is the people you sometimes meet by chance turn out to be friends. Case in point our realtor we hired to help with our relocation. She was the neighbor of my step-sister so I knew she was good at her job, but she went above and beyond for me. When we first decided to move, again, it was partly for my hubby's job but mainly as we were suddenly surprise with a third baby on the way. We weren't crazy about the schools where we were and I was hit with having to be a part-time single parent to three kids! I didn't know if I was up for it so I wanted to be back closer to family. My dad had just retired (which would end up being the first time of many...lol) so we thought perfect, he will have time to help if needed. So when we started to look for houses we didn't at first fully tell my dad that we were expecting again, but it kind of slipped to our realtor and she graciously kept the secret, though she hated to, until we could tell everyone. Long story short she ended up being my first friend, even to the point of going to doctor's appointments with me (we were down one vehicle when we moved for a bit due to a car accident during the move, that story is a blog in itself) and one of the nurses assuming she was "grandma" even though she would have had to have me when she was like 12 for that to work. Then she helped us find a great house with awesome neighbors. Two families of which became and remain good friends. Each of us traveling to visit each other usually at least once a year.
On to life now. My youngest was young when we moved here so I couldn't jump into being the volunteer at school for my older two like I would have liked and getting used to a new community can be harder when you are a stay-at-home mom around a toddlers schedule so we spent many hours together. Plus since we built our house a lot of my free time was getting that in order which took a lot of my spare time as well. Then my middle started having the sport bug and getting involved in many activities so that is where I started to meet other moms. Football and baseball being the main ones. One may wonder how we start to make those types of friends. Do we gather around those that cheer similar to us, have the gift to gab and approached you first, was there one moment or several little ones that pulled you together. I am sure there was some expensive study done somewhere on this but the bottom line is it truly doesn't matter how you found each other but THAT you found each other. I have looked to my friends for guidance, support and yes occasionally that ego boost that we all need from time to time. Friends are good for that!
Friendship is a human need. As one definition of friendship states that there are "characteristics present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection, kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, loyalty, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend." Much like I tell my kids, I know my friendships will change and evolve over the years. Some you may keep close, others will become more of an acquaintance but they are all still friends. I am truly blessed with the amazing friends I have had in my lifetime and I hope you all realize, whether we talk a lot or just occasionally, how much you have meant to me over my lifetime!
Obviously a lot has changed since my last post, the biggest change is my oldest started and has now finished her first year of college...1,800 miles away from home...in Florida! So, here is where those of us who are pilot-wives can say we are truly blessed to have a little different opportunity than some for our children to go that far away and not have it "seem" as far. Or so I thought. Having younger children to still parent, admittedly I didn't get to visit as much as I thought I would and or wanted to. There has been some guilt in I remember saying to her, as we are looking at schools, "we have the ability to travel like many others don't, take advantage of it and see where it takes you," "I don't want you to look back and say I wish I would have at least tried!" As parents we all can name several times in our past with a few I-wish-I-would-have moments as we grew up, and especially even now as parents. I like to call those the "yep, screwed-up-again" parenting moments.
As the first year passed and I talk to her, other people who she has also talked to, I found that she wasn't always telling me the truth about how she was feeling and what was going on as she didn't want to disappoint me, make me upset and all those things that you DON'T want you child to feel. Ugh! Punch in the gut "yep, screwed-up-again" parenting moment! So how do we know when we are doing that? I like to think of myself as an intuitive person in a lot of ways but apparently missed the mark on this one. I know I have been one of those people who say "yeah, they are living vicariously through their child," usually with sports where you see that kid that you don't think really wants to play and that parent in the background screaming them on. So was I doing this to my beloved first born? Was I thinking how awesome of an opportunity she had to do something amazing and pushed her into it? Time for a reality chat with the girlfriends.
Girlfriends...I love girlfriends! As we grow and blossom into parenthood, we will find there are different classifications of our friends now, just like back in school days. There was your school friends, your sport/activity friends, your neighborhood friends. Sometimes these friends crossed over categories but all in all they were still friends. The same happens in adulthood but it seems it ends up being a more narrow field, at least in my case. You have your work friends, and your kids' friends parents and neighbor friends. You will have those friends from childhood that you still talk to and connect with when you can, but if your life has taken you away from them at all geographically, you do drift apart. Especially when you hit that age of life I like to define as the "running my kids everywhere" stage.
Back to girlfriends. We have moved, yes mostly by choice around my husbands career, and so my friend base is literally in many states. Of course I cannot see those out-of-state friends as often as I would like to, even with my flight privileges that silly thing called parenting and time seem to get in the way. With our last and current move, we have been here going on ten years now, my current friend base seems to have circled more around my middle child.
My oldest is socially quieter and more reserved so she wasn't one who wanted to do a lot of sports or activities outside of school. Not to mention my time overall was different as her brothers, being younger, needed more hands-on attention so I sadly didn't meet a lot of her "school friends" parents outside of the quick hi/bye at birthday parties or sleep over drop offs. She was also more reserved in who she chose as friends. She was/is selective and had a smaller core of friends as she doesn't like drama, catty-ness and all those things girls can be famous for so once Middle School and High School came, her outside of school friend base got smaller. In many ways that did make me sad for her, mainly because I was so different and in sports year-round that I had a lot of friends. But looking back now and thinking about how we classify things in life, a lot of them in the early teen years were probably more acquaintances you hang with a lot more than true friends. So she is a lot more ahead of the game and more mature than I was at her age.
My middle one is a typical middle child in that he always wants people to be happy so being a friend came easy to him. Not to mention he is was and is in many sports so he is always around buddies. Though there were many times I remember saying things like "don't let them do that" and "you don't always have to give in" and phrases like that. I also have found myself telling him, after living through it with his older sister that as you age and go from Middle School to High School, your friends will greatly change. People will start to have different likes and passions that once tied you as friends. Now that doesn't mean you aren't still friends, but you won't be as close as you once were. The hardest thin he as found is when friends act differently depending on who they are around and which "group" they are hanging with at the time. These things are hard to teach about and help them through so I find myself saying things like "well if you don't like it, make sure you are not one of those kids that does it," and "keep being who you are and your friends will remain." I also say you may be changing and acting differently than you realize as well so try to be subconsciously aware of how you are treating people. I know, easier said than done in the teen years, hell even in adulthood!
Then there's my crazy youngest. He seems to be a combination of both my older kids. He is in a lot of sports and school activities so is around a ton a kids, but he does seem to keep circling around a smaller group for most of the time. He is fun-loving, sweet and easy to be around. He can be that goofy joke-ster but then the serious intellect. He is so observant and pays attention to all the things his siblings do, and always has. He would sit and want to watch my oldest do homework and sometimes pretend to do it with her (there is a 6 year difference between them) and sometimes did. His brain is far beyond mine in what he can take in, learn and remember. I truly hope as he goes on through adolescences and into High School, he keeps all that makes him who he is.
So now to my friends. Being the wife of a pilot makes life a little interesting. Having moved like we did and having younger children, I never really had that career that you think you will get as you dream of growing up. Each time we moved I had to try and find a job that either paid enough to make it worth having kids in day care or a job that I loved so much it didn't matter (which moving and switching jobs like I did made it harder). But I found with our first move, I already had the job I wanted...mom. This came as a bit of a shock to me once I hit that realization as I was always going to either be a vet, or have that "corner office with the view" in a high powered ad agency. So once we figured out we could make it work with me staying home and being mom, then I could look for jobs that would work around his schedule and just give me some grown-up time, (Those that are are also stay-at-home parents understand that all too well).
The weird thing is this is when my girlfriends started to take shape. My kids were too young (5 and 1 at the time) to be in too many things yet so I mainly talked and hung around my awesome neighbor (who we already knew as she was also a pilot-wife) and helped me constantly as they didn't have children at the time, or the ladies I worked with. But mainly I spent most of my time with my kids. We would drop my oldest off at Kindergarten and then my middle (youngest at the time) and I would either to right to the park and play, go for long walks or if weather was bad go to the mall and walk around. Which is also probably how I lost all that baby weight that seems to still haunt me now...lol. If the hubby was home, we would have things to do around the house or he would join us. To this day even though I don't get to see my neighbor, as we are thousands of miles away, we know that we are always thinking of each other and know if needed, we would be there in a second for each other. There has been a small handful of people where I would think of weird things like, if something happened and this friend couldn't have kids, would I be a surrogate? (yes my brain sometimes is odd that way), and she was one of those friends. When it came to them finding out they couldn't have children, I would have had they asked, even though I tended to grow big babies!
Our next move was in a lot of ways the same, except this time I was pregnant...surprise! The funniest thing about life is the people you sometimes meet by chance turn out to be friends. Case in point our realtor we hired to help with our relocation. She was the neighbor of my step-sister so I knew she was good at her job, but she went above and beyond for me. When we first decided to move, again, it was partly for my hubby's job but mainly as we were suddenly surprise with a third baby on the way. We weren't crazy about the schools where we were and I was hit with having to be a part-time single parent to three kids! I didn't know if I was up for it so I wanted to be back closer to family. My dad had just retired (which would end up being the first time of many...lol) so we thought perfect, he will have time to help if needed. So when we started to look for houses we didn't at first fully tell my dad that we were expecting again, but it kind of slipped to our realtor and she graciously kept the secret, though she hated to, until we could tell everyone. Long story short she ended up being my first friend, even to the point of going to doctor's appointments with me (we were down one vehicle when we moved for a bit due to a car accident during the move, that story is a blog in itself) and one of the nurses assuming she was "grandma" even though she would have had to have me when she was like 12 for that to work. Then she helped us find a great house with awesome neighbors. Two families of which became and remain good friends. Each of us traveling to visit each other usually at least once a year.
On to life now. My youngest was young when we moved here so I couldn't jump into being the volunteer at school for my older two like I would have liked and getting used to a new community can be harder when you are a stay-at-home mom around a toddlers schedule so we spent many hours together. Plus since we built our house a lot of my free time was getting that in order which took a lot of my spare time as well. Then my middle started having the sport bug and getting involved in many activities so that is where I started to meet other moms. Football and baseball being the main ones. One may wonder how we start to make those types of friends. Do we gather around those that cheer similar to us, have the gift to gab and approached you first, was there one moment or several little ones that pulled you together. I am sure there was some expensive study done somewhere on this but the bottom line is it truly doesn't matter how you found each other but THAT you found each other. I have looked to my friends for guidance, support and yes occasionally that ego boost that we all need from time to time. Friends are good for that!
Friendship is a human need. As one definition of friendship states that there are "characteristics present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection, kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, loyalty, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend." Much like I tell my kids, I know my friendships will change and evolve over the years. Some you may keep close, others will become more of an acquaintance but they are all still friends. I am truly blessed with the amazing friends I have had in my lifetime and I hope you all realize, whether we talk a lot or just occasionally, how much you have meant to me over my lifetime!
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